Romeo and Juliet What the Play REALLY Meant
by MiSSxMELON
Summary: Romeo and Juliet is a really stupid play. The two kill themselves within four days! FOUR! So, naturally, this story is to make fun of it...with Harry Potter characters...


**Romeo and Juliet**

**By: Helen Li**

**Inspired by that stupid English class...oh and the play I suppose.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor Romeo and Juliet.

* * *

**

**Prologue**

"Why hello you fanfiction people! I'm glad you've come to join us for this story...

Two households both alike in dignity in fair Verona,

Where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to

New mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands

Unclean, From forth the fatal loins of these two

Foes, A pair of star crossed lovers take their life,

Whose misadventured piteous overthrows doth with

Their death, Bury their parents strife. The fearful

Passage of their death marked love, And the

Continuance of their parents rage, Which but their

Children's end not could remove, Is now the two hours

Traffic of our stage."

"Harry! Harry!" Ron ran towards the famous boy who was, yes, talking to us. "Uh, Harry? Who're you talking to?"

"Oh, uh, no one." Harry quickly lied.

"Not _fanfiction _again?!" Ron sighed.

"Well come on! They were making one about Romeo and Juliet!" Harry protested.

"I'm not looking at it." Ron shook his head.

"Oh it's nothing wrong, it's pretty neat, actually!" Harry grinned.

"Puh-lease. Remember the last one? A DRACO/Ron slash? Hello? I'M Ron! You know how long it took to get rid of those mental pictures! ARGH! ONE...STILL...THERE...GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!" Ron pounded his head relentlessly.

"Just take a look at it!" Harry snapped.

Ron looked up and glared, then looked at the screen. After a few minutes, he laughed.

"You so copy and pasted that."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh. You definitely do NOT know the whole play."

"Do, too."

"Oh really? Act III, scene ii then."

"Um..."

"See? You don't know!"

"Hold on just one sec..."

"Hey! You cheater! Get off that computer! No! You're using google! No fair!"

The author decided to carry on with the story...

* * *

The Gryffindor boys were having some fun down at Hogsmeade. Let me elaborate on the **Gryffindor Boys**. They were, of course, Seamus, Neville, and Dean.

As the three walked down Hogsmeade, being a bit obnoxious like they were...they ran into none of the other, but the **Slytherin Boys.**

Now the Slytherin boys had spotted the Gryffindor boys and they blocked their way like those stupid cool looking villains do in movies. Except this was in the Wizarding world...specifically Hogsmeade.

Dean smirked and made a rude gesture. Crabbe was about to shout out, 'I'm telling mommy!' but Goyle stopped him before he could. They were threatening Slytherins, but not too bright apparently.

"Do you bite your thumb at us sir?!" Blaise shouted.

"I do bite my thumb sir," Dean replied honestly.

"Do you bite your thumb at _us_?Sir!" Blaise repeated loudly.

"Is the law on the side if I say ay?" Dean whispered to Seamus. Seamus shook his head.

"No sir! I do not bite my thumb at you sir, but I bite my thumb sir." Dean declared.

"Do you quarrel sir?" Seamus pointed out.

"Quarrel sir? No sir!" Blaise replied.

Then the two groups glared at each other, because they forgot the rest of the lines to Romeo and Juliet. But they remembered there was supposed to be a brawl...

"_Expellimarus!_" Neville shouted out one of the most common used spells.

Then of course, hexes were exchanged back and forth, blah blah blah, blah, blah, and blah.

It was only when Cornelius Fudge showed up that the two parties held their hands up and dropped their swords, er, wands.

* * *

"Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace, Throw your mistemper'd weapons to the ground! On pain of torture, from those bloody hands Throw your mistemper'd weapons to the ground! Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word, By thee, old Capulet, and Montague, Have thrice disturb'd the quiet of our streets, If ever you disturb our streets again, Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace." Cornelius Fudge glared at the two houses, Gryffindor and Slytherin. 

Lady Gryffindor, also known as Professor McGonagall and Lord Slytherin, also known as Professor Snape, looked back in confusion.

"To put it in simpler words, fight again and you all will die!" Cornelius Fudge exasperated.

"You know, I didn't know you knew so many big words." Snape murmured.

"Some of them seemed...made up." McGonagall added.

The two looked at each other and then glared, remembering the house's hatred.

"Well, they made me smart in this story." Cornelius Fudge shrugged.

* * *

"NO! YOU JUST COPY AND PASTED!" Harry raged as he read on the story. 

"Harry, calm down, it's a fanfic." Ron rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I'm with him! Besides, where am _I _in this story?!" Hermione complained.

"Can we read on?" Ron crossed his arms.

"Alright, alright," Harry scrolled down.

* * *

"Hello, Draco. What's wrong?" Blaise sat down next to a glum Draco. 

"Besides the fact that we lost _again _in Quidditch, Potty insulting me, getting hexed by that-Weasel, and the mudblood smacking me?" Malfoy spat back.

"Ooh, bad day?" Blaise sympathized.

"Not even getting there, to top that all off _Pansy _doesn't fancy me!" Draco groaned as he buried his face into his hands.

"Er-I thought you didn't like Pansy." Blaise pointed out.

"Well in this fic I do, and that was the wrong line." Draco snapped.

"Oh, right. Um-why there are hotter girls than Pansy! Let us go to the Gryffindor party tonight, I'll show you one!" Blaise grinned.

"No, none shall ever be more fair than Pansy." Draco sighed.

"I hear she's going to be there! She's apparently made chums with those Gryffindors." Blaise added with a scowl.

After a moment of thinking...or was he picking his nose? Draco decided,

"Ay, I shall go then!"

* * *

"HERMIONE! HERRRMIONNNEEEE! HERMIONE GRANGER!" Ginny yelled at the top of her lungs. 

Everyone in the Gryffindor commons stopped and stared at her.

"What are you looking at?" Ginny snapped.

Everyone fear's the Weasley rage, so naturally they all quickly looked back down at their homework.

"Yeees Ginny?" Hermione ran down the stairs.

She was wearing a dazzling dress, red, of course, that really showed off her curves. It was strapless, but charmed to stay on so Hermione wouldn't have to pull it up the whole night. Her shoes sparkled with ruby redness, and her hair-her hair was straight and also dazzling red.

"You changed your hair color!" Ginny gasped.

"It'll only last a week, but that doesn't matter! Romeo and Juliet met and died within four days!" Hermione replied. Ginny shrugged as well.

"Well your mom wanted me to tell you that Harry fancies you and she wants you to try to like him, because you two would be a perfect match." Ginny mumbled. She was still getting over the whole crush...

"I'll look to like, if looking liking move: But no more deep will I endart mine eye Than your consent to give strength to make it fly." Hermione replied.

Ginny just blinked her eyes, her face blank.

"Uh, I mean, yeah I'll try to like the dude. Even though he's my best friend and I have no interest in him, but for my mom...I shall!" Hermione decided.

* * *

Draco was quite bored at the Gryffindor party, but he was under a mask and none noticed him even though his hair was still silvery blonde. What do you expect? Everyone in that stupid play was stupid; therefore they are stupid in my stupid story, so there. 

Blaise left him alone to wander about as he saw a cute Gryffindor girl.

Draco's eyes wandered around the room and fell upon, none the other but _Hermione Granger._

_I absolutely must meet that girl...

* * *

_

"If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss." Draco bowed.

"Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, Which mannerly devotion shows in this; For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss." Hermione whispered as she placed her palm against hers.

* * *

"ARGH! NO! NOT ME...AND AHH! DRACO?! NO!!" Hermione was absolutely going insane. 

"Haha, there you go! You're in the story now!" Harry teased.

"NO! BLOODY...IMAGES...AH!" Hermione ran around the room like an idiot.

"Man, where am I?!" Ron sighed.

"Eh, back to story." Harry shrugged.

* * *

"Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?" Draco pointed out as he leaned in. 

"Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer." Hermione grinned back as she stepped back.

"Well, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair." Draco pouted.

"Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake." Hermione replied hastily.

"Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. Thus

from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged." Draco whispered as he kissed Hermione gently.

* * *

"Awww..." Ron and Harry cooed in unison.

"ARGH! SHUT-UP! NO! THE IMAGES! THE BLOODY IMAGES!" Hermione screamed.

Ron and Harry raised their eyebrows in amusement at the goody two shoes. She was, in fact, swearing...and acting...un-Head Girl like.

* * *

"Then have my lips the sin that they have took." Hermione was enjoying the kiss.

"Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again." Draco grinned as he leaned in and kissed Hermione yet again.

"You kiss by the book." Hermione blushed.

Draco immedietly pulled back.

"What the hell does that mean? You think I read some stupid book to learn how to kiss?! No way girlfriend, this player's got it goin on." Draco said in a very un-British wizard like voice.

"Hell, I have no idea what it means. That idiot Shakespeare decided to put it in there. What I really _do _mean is, dayum you kiss nicely! Now let's make out!" Hermione cried out.

* * *

Hermione gagged as Ron and Harry burst out laughing.

* * *

"HERMIONE!" Ginny yelled as she pulled Hermione away. "Professor McGonagall wants to talk to you."

Hermione hesitated and waved good-bye to Draco, rushing off to see McGonagall.

"Hey, you, could you tell me who that was?" Draco stopped Ginny.

"Hermione Granger," Ginny replied.

"Is she...a Gryffindor?" Draco asked uneasily.

"Yes," Ginny replied as she raised her eyebrow. _This...this is a Slytherin! Draco! Draco Malfoy! Yes, I can tell from his silvery blonde hair. How dare he try to crash our party? Revenge, revenge will be mine!_

Draco could see the hateful look so he ran off back to his dormitory.

* * *

"I am in love," Draco sighed.

"I know, I know. Pansy." Blaise rolled his eyes as he looked up from his essay.

"Pansy? Who's that?" Draco asked. He got up and walked away to think more about his beautiful lady.

"Well he sure got over her fast," Blaise mumbled.

So Draco ran off outside and walked around, happening to be underneath the Gryffindor girl's dormitories. And of course there was a balcony, for this was a balcony seen and of course Hermione and him exchanged long and tedious talks. This was, indeed, BORING.

"I love you, but you're a Slytherin Draco!" Hermione sighed.

"Let us get married tomorrow!" Draco urged.

"Okay!" Hermione agreed. The two were stupid dingbats who really need to get a life. Seriously.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," Hermione said as Draco walked away.

"Wait, come back!" Hermione suddenly remembered what she had to say.

Draco ran back and replied,

"Yes, my love?"

"Damn it, I forgot what I was going to say." Hermione complained.

"That's alright, I'll wait here until you remember." Draco said with a sigh.

"But I can't remember if you're standing right there!" Hermione protested.

So the two stood still for a while until both realized how stupid they were. Well, they realized some of their stupidity, but missed a lot of it.

"Farewell my lady!"

"Adieu!"

* * *

"I will marry you two," Dumbledore agreed although he wasn't a priest or a rabbi or any other church type person.

But anyways, yeah the two got married since they were drunk and stupid.

* * *

The next day...  
  
_There he is, there's Romeo I mean Draco! The Slytherin who crashed our party!_

Ginny stomped towards Draco who was walking with Blaise.

"Draco! I challenge you to a duel!" Ginny snarled.

Draco turned around.

"Ginny, the reason that I have to love thee doth much exuse the appertaning rage to such a greeting: villiain am I none. Therefore farwell. I see thou Knowest me not." Draco said with a smile as he walked past Ginny.

Furious, Ginny whipped around.

"Don't walk away from me!" Ginny cried out as she pulled out her wand.

"Peace, my fellow Gryffindor, peace," Draco called back.

"Peace...I hate the word!" Ginny spat.

"Let him be!" Blaise cut in.

"Are you to duel in his place?"

"Ay, I shall!"

Draco, hearing this, ran back to save his dear friend, but yeah Blaise fell, dead. What do you expect? Slytherins, in _any _story, will always, ALWAYS, **ALWAYS **die. Mwahahaha.

"Mercutio's soul is but a little way above our heads staying for thine to keep him company!" Draco cried out.

"Say what?" Ginny asked, confused.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU STUPID beeeeeep." Malfoy roared.

Ginny's face turned bright red and then so did her robes. Yeah, she died. Frightened, Draco ran away! But he soon found out that...

* * *

"DRACO HAS BEEN BANISHED FROM THIS SCHOOL! WHOEVER FINDS HIM CAN TAKE HIS LIFE!" Cornelius Fudge thundered to everyone minus Draco cause he was hiding...

* * *

Draco was sobbing in Dumbledore's office like a little girl. Well, he does have long girly hair. And he does talk like a stupid lovey dovey girl. Plus the fact that he's a Slytherin. And he whines a lot.

"Oh stop your crying!" Dumbledore snapped. "No one cares, you'll die anyways."

Draco missed this comment.

"Well, go to this city far, far away that I forgot the name because it's long and stupid. You'll be safe there until you think Hermione's dead and you go and kill yourself." Dumbledore waved his hand.

Draco smiled like a stupid five year old and skipped out of the school.

* * *

"I'm sorry Hermione, but...Ginny died." Ron said quietly.

* * *

"THERE! THERE I AM! WHEEE I'M IN THE FAAANFIC, I'M IN THE FAAANFIC," Ron sang aloud.

Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes and looked back at the screen.

* * *

Hermione was depressed for weeks, she sobbed in her room. Of course she really was sad about Draco's banishment. Who cares about Ginny? Stupid little girl.

That day an owl flew in and dropped a letter...

"You're marrying Harry, so there." Hermione read from the brief note. It was from her mother who found out Hermione's depression of the death of Ginny.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione wailed. She sobbed and sobbed and Harry came in and she threw stuff at him and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Get it?

* * *

Then she ran to Dumbledore's office and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and threw stuff and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

"Why, here's a potion that'll make you look dead but you won't be so everyone will think you are and you won't have to marry Paris-er I mean Harry and then you can wake up and Draco will be there and you can fly off to Australia and elope and yeah." Dumbledore gave Hermione a bottle.

Hermione grinned like a stupid three year old (yeah, she looked a bit more immature then Draco did) and skipped off to her dorm.

That night, Hermione fell into a deeeeep deep sleep. You are getting sleeeeppyyyyyy. At the sound of my snap, you will obeeey me. Leave a review at the end of the storry. snap

* * *

"Hey, owl, send this letter to Draco, letting him know the plan!" Dumbledore gave the letter to an owl.

We all know the owl couldn't understand the stupid insane old man, but oh well. Haha, and Dumbledore didn't know that the owl he had sent was...blind. So the owl flew into some high building and died. Hahahaha.

* * *

That night both houses mourned as Hermione, Ginny, and Blaise were placed in the dungeon. Of course Hermione wasn't dead, and if you used some spell you could find out, but hey everyone's dumb in this story! Well yeah Crabbe saw Hermione dead and naturally, told Malfoy. (Yes, he went to that city far, far away.)

* * *

"WHAT?! HERMIONE'S DEAD?!" Malfoy exclaimed.

"Yes...I-I saw her in the dungeon." Crabbe said quietly.

Draco pushed Crabbe aside and ran down into the dungeon to see Hermione lying on the table.

"No! You can't be dead!" Draco sobbed. He leaned in close to Hermione and talked to himself for a while.

"But you don't look dead, you could in fact be faking so we can be together forever, but since I missed Dumbledore's letter because I'm stupid, I of course think you're dead even though we have technology, I mean wands." Draco sighed. Then he killed himself with a deadly potion.

Of course, Hermione woke up _after _that.

"NO!" Hermione cried out. She then talked to herself for a while and killed herself.

Morale? Don't be stupid.

* * *

"HAHAHAHHAHAH THAT WAS THE BEST STORY EVER!" Harry laughed as tears came into his eyes.

"That was awful! I _kissed _Malfoy?!" Hermione thundered.

"I had ONE line. ONE!" Ron complained. 

"Oh well, I liked it." Harry shrugged.

So the three went to eat dinner, but Draco walked into the library, saw the strange computer, sat down, and read the story...

He was in the Hospital Wing for a week.

A/N: Hehe, review. Yes it was to make fun of Romeo and Juliet, oh well.


End file.
